Lesbian Questions: First Time Lesbian Experience

Lesbian Question

I met up with a friend that I haven't seen in 7 years. We connected fast. She has always dated guys and has never been with a women. I told her that I am a lesbian and she told me that she had a crush on me when we were friends a long time ago. We ended up dating. She told me that I am the love of her life and she wants to be with me forever. About 4 months into the relationship, we started having some arguments. She has this guy friend that told her he is

falling in love with her. So, when we would argue, he would be there for her. Also her mom told her to think about what she really wants because she has never dated a women and she doesn't think that I can provide her with what a man can. She says she loves me but is confused if she can be with a woman for the rest of her life, and she said that she is having feelings for this guy. I asked her if this guy wasn't in the picture and her mom would not question her, does she think that we would be able to work things out? She said perhaps. She broke up with me because she needs to figure out what she wants because this is all new to her and she is scared. But she is also going to start seeing this guy because she has feelings for him. I know she loves me very much, just before the break up she told me that I have been the best relationship she has ever had and she knows how much I love her. I might have pushed her always a bit to because I was in panic and didn't want to end things and I said things that would make me look desperate. I really love this girl and I want to get her back. I know she is scared because I was her first girlfriend but I know she loves me very much she is just confused because this is all new to her. I want to get her back but I am not sure what to do. And if she starts seeing that guy I know its going to be much harder to convince her to get back with me. Please help!-- Contributed by: jen

Expert Reply

Dear Jen,
Breaking up is hard and blame is the way we cope with our loss and disappointment. For some, they blame the other person. For others, they blame themselves. The truth lies in the middle. What makes your breakup more difficult is the added burden of not knowing the reason. Is it because your ex is a lesbian or a heterosexual female? This lack of information makes it harder to determine if the breakup was the result of the two of you having poor communication/couple problems or because she is not a lesbian.
The thing about love is that when we are off course we know it. It may take some time, but ultimately we are miserable. The misery propels us to get back on course and follow our true nature. If your breakup is rooted in your problems as a couple, then time will naturally bring your ex back to you. If not for a long-term relationship, then for no other reason than you were her first lesbian relationship and connection to the lesbian community. She will turn to you for support.
Even if your ex is a lesbian, her interest in pursuing a relationship with her guy friend would not be unusual. You are confident about your sexual orientation. Perhaps you can't even imagine engaging in a heterosexual relationship. That is not the case for all lesbians. Many women tell stories of having had a relationship with a man. For these women, it may be curiosity or an attempt to deny their attraction to women and 'test' this by engaging in an intimate relationship with a man. For some, it might be acting on a heterosexual crush. Regardless the reason for exploring, all of those women will tell you that their real love and attraction is for another woman. If your ex is a lesbian, regardless of the lack of support from her mother, she will discover that she is not satisfied in her relationship with her male friend.
This same exploration can happen for heterosexuals. These individuals may test their attraction to the same sex. While this is more common among females, some men will explore as well. There is a possibility that your ex is not a lesbian, but rather a woman who is so comfortable in her own skin she was open to a relationship with you. This does not mean that she didn't love you or that she loves you less now. It simply means that her heart tells her she would not be satisfied in a long-term lesbian relationship.
The confusion that your ex feels will take time for her to sort through. Nothing you can do will convince her of her sexual orientation; this is something she will have to learn for herself. Likewise, nothing you can say or do will speed up her process. In the meantime, you have a decision to make for yourself. Patiently wait for her to decide about your relationship or give yourself permission to grieve the end. Neither decision is without its hurts and set backs, but one decision keeps you in limbo while the other sets you free.